Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Bit About this Little Dandelion


 
My name is Amanda...or Manda...or Mandalynne...or Mandy/Mandi. Whatever you like best, really. My mean ol' cheatin' husband left me and I am embarking on a new chapter in life; I am about to become a student, working on fulfilling my dreams of becoming a midwife. I am a mommy of two beautiful boys, and it is the greatest job I could ever dream to hold. They are my sun and my moon, my life rises and sets with them. They hold my heart, and all I do and will ever do will be done with them in mind. I never knew what I wanted to "be" when I grew up, but I always knew I'd be a momma, and its better than I had dreamed.

I like:

Dreaming, both day and night. Singing while taking showers...and while driving...and when doing the dishes...and randomly throughout the day. Cuddles with my babies. Reading children's books because, lets face it, they are better than grown-up books. Watching my boys play outside..grass, dirt, barefoot or in gumboots. Their dirty hands and feet and faces. The way their hair smells like fresh air and dirty and sweet sweat after a long hard day of playing. Taking candle-lit bubble baths. Drinking ice water out of a plastic cup with a straw. Having pretty, painted finger and toenails. Spending time with my goofy family, laughing like we're drunk but never having a drop. Being random and not caring who sees me or what they think. I like grocery shopping. I love veggies. I love the fall, anything and everything about it. I love how a hot coffee on a cold day can warm you up from the inside out. I love dancing like a fool in my bedroom first thing in the morning, knowing no one is looking...except maybe my kids who get a good giggle out of it. I love sundresses and skirts and dresses and boots and heels and flats and wedges and earrings and sweaters. I love shopping. I love goodwill. I love crafting. I like decorating my house to be all cozy-like. I love board games. I love to smile, oh! I love to smile...and laugh, the good kind that makes your stomach hurt and tears run down your legs. I love happy, inspiring people that fill my life with light. Driving with he windows down. I like grey skies & rain and cool sunny days. The rest is still unwritten..

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Been a long time...I shouldn't have left you(left you)...without a dope beat to step to

It has been a year. A hard year, but a year nonetheless.
"Look how far you've come!"
Omg, you're so right. But being a few notches above not wanting to kill yourself really isn't that exciting. I trudge onward, regardless.

But fuck him. One thing I can say, with absolute certainty, is that I no longer want to be with that man in any shape or form. I could never see myself being in a romantic relationship with him again. I don't even have a hint of desire to be with him sexually, and that was the last bit to go. I don't give a fuck if that's TMI, because it's true. Hookups with your toxic ex are the most dangerous thing ever. You tell yourself you are done and over, and its just good, mind-blowing, amazing, comfortable, fulfilling, toe-curling sex for the sake of sex. But it is this treacherous doorway that loops you backward into the snake pit. The sex awakens feelings you finally managed to silence. Worse than that, it sets you in a honeymoon-like state, where you begin to fall in love all over again with the things you had originally fallen in love with. His flaws begin to soften again. Your will begins to break down. It's an ugly trap that you are best off just not entering into at all.
Just go touch yourself.

Finally getting to the point where I have no desire to be with him anymore is huge, so I don't want to down-play it. It. Is. Huge. Huger than the dick of the dude I had my only one-night-stand with.
Damnit! Why did HE have to be the one night stand...hot damn!

I am to the point where I miss being a complete family. I SO miss life being an endless (or seemingly endless) slumber party with your best friend. THAT is the worst part. My best friend! My other half! My confidant! My constant partner for any movie cuddle-session, any outing, every random drive, every hardship, every accomplishment. THAT I do miss. But such is life.
I roll on.
Hopefully someday I'll roll with some tall, handsome, tattooed, broad-shouldered man's hand to hold on to.

I once read about this lady who had talked to some witch doctor or something about her dream guy. She was instructed to make a list of all the qualities she was wanting in a man. There was then some sort of concoction she was supposed to spray on the list and some kind of bag she was supposed to put it in. She was told to put the scented paper-filled bag under her pillow and sleep on it. The bitch ended up finding a guy a few months later that fulfilled almost everything on her list. Since I read that, I have wanted to do it. Don't remember where I read it or anything, so let's just do it the good old fashioned way of winging it.

  • Tall, Light & Handsome: Me being only 4'11-3/4", tall is a subjective term. I'm not racist, but I like my guys with light skin and hair. Handsome is beyond obvious; no one wants to be with an ugly person.
  • Artisan Bread: I want a rough, hard exterior, with a soft place, just for me inside. Manly on the outside and a big softie on the inside for the one he loves.
  • Humor: He has to make me laugh, and, at the very least, tolerate my strange sense of humor.
  • Thick: He can be built or with a little chubby meat on his bones...just please no string-beans. I am a chubby girl, I don't want to feel like I am going to break him. And no big boys...it turns their faces unattractive. And I ain't looking for no bootydo...you know, when the belly sticks out more than the booty do.
  • Stable: He doesn't have to be rich, but I need him to be hard-working; solid in his career and happy with where he is or is headed. He has to be providing for himself, and have the ability to provide for a family.
  • Kind, Compassionate & Patient: He has to have a good heart that feels for others. He needs to understand that I come with my own issues, and be patient with me as I sort through them.
  • Happy: He needs to know how to wear a smile, and have a good laugh that I hear often.
  • Fun: Enjoys being a homebody, but also likes going out on adventures & trying new things.
  • Loyal: Devoted til death.
  • Kid-Friendly: I have kids...which means he will, too.
  • Tattooed: Mmmmmm...GOOD tattoos...
  • Nice Ride: A man's vehicle says a lot about him. I am partial to big trucks, muscle cars and Subaru's.
  • Smart: I like a man to be more intelligent than me. I like him to guide me and teach me new things.

Yah. That's my list for today.


Some day my Prince will come. Until then, I'll print this stupid thing out, spray some good-smelling shit on it and shove it in my pillow case. So, come find me, asshole!! I'll be 26 this month, I think I've waited long enough for you.

<3 Mandy

Friday, January 27, 2012

Inner Hulk

Ever-changing.

I feel like the New Year started without me. I don't feel new or fresh or anything like how I want to feel. I feel worn-out, insufficient, unhappy. I was about to add hopeless, but I guess I don't feel hopeless. I feel like the future is a bright place, a place I want to be. I feel like everything around me is glowing and screaming that it is what I wish it could be...but I am just not there with all of it. For a while now, I mostly feel like I am am an observer. Floating above my life, watching it unfold, not being an active participant.

And that's not living.

I was born, I am here, and lucky to be! I could have been created as a starving child in a third-world country, or as a nasty house-spider who's life is squashed before it's time. I could have been anything, anywhere...and I am this, what I am. And when I look in the mirror, I am ashamed at what I see. It depresses me. I depress me. I know I am in charge, yet I don't take control! Every night I go to bed, declaring to myself, "tomorrow will be different!" But It is always the same. I struggle through each hour, looking forward to that bright and brilliant future, that was supposed to be today. Every morning I wake up feeling as if I have already failed.

I am the captain of this ship! What is wrong here?! No one can fix this but me. I don't know why each day is such an epic failure and why everyone else seems to get along so much better than me. Even people worse off than me manage to just blast through everyone like some hulk warrior.

Need to find my inner hulk I guess.

Monday, November 7, 2011

survey? eh, why not...

Who were you with last night? My husband and kids.
What woke you up this morning? Archer woke up, but then fell back asleep with me, then Blake woke up ffor work & wanted me to make his lunch, but Archie was stirring and I didn't want to leave him on the bed alone (he would fall) Then Archie and I woke up later, lol. Pretty typical.

Where are you? In my hizzouse. More specificly, in my livingroom, at my dining table.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day? Last week was shitty, and I made up my mind that this week would be better. So YES.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Blake, Abram & Archer.

When's the last time you cried? Yesterday :'(

The PAST
Ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was on a train ride to Portland when I was about 9 or so. I got the flu and it happened to hit me when I was on the trian, I thought it was motion sickness. I remember standing at the doors of the train, waiting to get off, holding it in. Through the window, I could see a trash barrel about 20 paces away. I prayed I could hold it that long. When the doors finally opend I booked it to that trash can and let it loose.

Passed out because of alcohol? Eh, unfortunately, yes.

What's on your mind RIGHT NOW? The housework that needs to be done, organizing I want to do, etc.

The FUTURE

Would you take a bullet for anyone? Hells yes. My family, without a second thought.

Where would you like to live? In a state of organization.

What kind of house would you like? Hmm...not too big, but comfortable. Lots of land. A nice kitchen. Lots of natural light. Nothing tacky (ie orage shag carpet, ugly wallpaper, bad paint jobs). Good closets, lol.

What do you want to be when you grow up? The best damn mommy and wife the world has ever seen. If I had to pick an actual career I'd have to go with midwifery or something in the nutrition field.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In our own home, happily married for going on ten years, one more child, everyone happy and healthy and active. Pampered Chefin' it up and making good money and earning free vacations. Blake finally happy in his career. And me, fourty pounds lighter. ;-)

Who was the last person that left you a comment? What kind of comment? Blog Comment: Aunt Sandy. FB Profile Comment: Lelia. FB Status Comment: Aunt Pris. FB Photo Comment: My Maah.

Are you good friends with this person? LoL...you mean those people. Um...Auntie Sandy lives in Idaho. Lelia is one of my besties, but lives about 3,000 miles away. Aunt Pris also lives on the other side of the country. And my mom, of course!

How often do you log in to facebook? Daily.


IN GENERAL

Do you like candy necklaces?: Um...I did when I was a kid. Haven't had one in quite a while...

When's the last time you fell or ran into something? Hahaha...two nights ago I ran into the corner of one of the side tables. Ouch.

Do you still go trick or treating? Yes...with my kids, lol.

What was the last thing you ate? Round Table pizza and salad buffet. The pizza was lame, but the salad was good!

Are you a fast typer? Eh, I'm decent.

About how many people have you driven with? Bahaha...this survey is obviously geared toward a younger crowd. A few people, at this point...lol

What are you doing this weekend? I have a Pampered Chef show on Sunday, and my first signed consultant is having her grand opening show this weekend, too. There is also some training Sunday night, but I am unsure if I will make that or not. What else...Veteran's day is Friday, so maybe we will go out to some discounted dinner or something. 

Whats your favorite type of soda? Not really a soda person...but Ginger Ale is probably my favorite.

Have you ever moved? About 20 times or so.

Have you ever won an award? LoL...in High School

How many times have you eaten sushi? I have really only eaten California Rolls...I really want to go with someone to a sushi place so they can tell me what to order, lol.

What do you want to do right now? I kinda want to clean the house. Kinda because I want it clean, but I don't really want to do it. It is stressful with a baby screaming at me the whole time, haha. I also want to get out of the house. I pretty much hate being home when it's messy haha!

Are you listening to music right now? The theme song for the Electric Company was just on, haha.

Are you with someone right now? Abram is watching Electric Company on the couch and Arch is sitting on the floor next to me, eating a wagon wheel.

Whats a word or phrase that you love? Hmm...idk? I like the word vacuum I guess, lol.

How long until your birthday? About four months or so.

When were you the saddest in your whole life? The spring of this year :-(

What time is it now? 3:07pm

Do you think anyone will repost to this? Honestly? No one.

What makes you pissed off? Hmm...a messy house. Aggressive drivers.

Have you ever had a song written about you? My husband makes up songs about me all the time, lol. Abram has too :-)

What song makes you cry? A few country songs.

What songs makes you happy? Happy, upbeat songs, lol.

What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? The sound of my hubby's heartbeat.

Do you have a job?? Stay-at-home-mom...bestest job on the planet! I am also a Pampered Chef consultant.

What does Your CD player have in it right now? Haha...I couldn't even tell you. I think it is a Cordory audio book.

If you were a crayon what color would you be? A teal blue color.

What makes you happy? My kids. Lattes. Singing while doing dishes or driving. Cuddled up watching movies with the hub. Cozy fires. Cooking/baking. Date nights.

Height? Haha...4' 11-3/4"

Hair? Thick and brown. That's what she said.

Piercings? Ears and lip.

Tattoos? 5

What are you wearing? Jeans, tank top w/ a see-throughy lilac shirt over, and a cream sweater.

What taste is in your mouth? Gum.

Do you have a bad habit? Yes.

Monday, October 17, 2011

eight

Take A College Class
September 2011

I did it folks! I took am taking a college class...well...kinda. I am in a math class that is not college-level yet, lol. I am a big gigantic dumbo when it comes to math. Numbers make my brain turn to mush. Equations make my quiver in fear. My body literally has a physical reaction to math. I hate it. Makes my skin tingle. Just thinking about it right now is making my heart race a little. It is disgusting. But I am doing it, people!

Go Mandy. Go Mandy. Go Mandy.

one; part three

Veganism Revisited

If you follow me on FB, you may have noticed that I have decided to give my number one a second go. In my first post about eating vegan, I had an optimistic outlook. I was going to be a vegan for thirty days...I wasn't considering doing it; it was just going to be done. That's all there was to it. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it went. In my second post on the subject, I outlined why I only made it one week, instead of one month.

But I did some research, a little reading, asked around...and I decided I was going to give it another go, only this time I am going three months instead of one. Funny how I failed at a smaller goal, then decided to try again, but with a longer amount of time. I am a goof that way.

I am here to report that I am three weeks in and doing great! I am supplementing with vitamin B-12 (the only nutrient vegans cannot obtain through food.) It seems to be making a difference. I am starting to get some headaches, but I have also learned that when changing a diet to vegan, a body can go through a sort of detox stage. I attribute my headaches to that...or possibly to the fact that I am now taking some online classes...yes that may be it. Ha.

I feel wonderful. Honestly. It is weird, I have only lost maybe two to four pounds, but I feel...lighter? I feel less bogged-down. I feel cleaner, less sluggish. It is hard to explain. But it is a good feeling! My reason for changing my goal from one month to three was because I read that some changes in a person's body cannot be fully realized until after three months. So I figured, if I am going to do it for a month, I might as well extend the time-period and see if it makes a difference in me! After three months, I am going to see how I feel. If I feel amazing, then I may continue on. But I am going to wait until then to make a decision.

For now, I am enjoying the wide and wonderful world of vegan cooking! Yes, I have lots of photos stuck on my camera, and if my life ever chills out for a smidge, I may even update my long-forgotten kitchen blog.

Vegan Breakfast Scramble and Vegan Pumpkin Spice Latte
Scrambled Tofu with Turmeric, Vegan Apple Sage Sausage
Bell Peppers, Green Onions and Vegan Cheese

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

sixty-five

Get rid of my naughty, unnecessary stress-causing animals. (March 15, 2011) 

Okay, so I am a horrible, selfish person.

Gustave Puggles a.k.a. Pug came into our family in March of 2007. He was a pup that was given to us by our neighbors who were allergic to him. We had been married one month, and I had just moved to Florida. He was a sweetly evil creature. I had a complete love/hate relationship with him.

Love:
He had the sweetest little squishy face. He had regal rolls. He had a scrumptious cinnamon bun tail. He was chubby and cuddly. He would even smile when he was happy. He was incredibly cozy, with all his loose skin. He made musical snorting and snoring noises. He was handsome and precious and loving.

Hate:
Pugs are stubborn. If you have ever known a pug, you most likely know this to be true. What you may not know is they are incredibly filthy as well. That Pug shed more than any other animal I have ever had. I would vacuum and sweep multiple times per week, and still, his fur was on and in everything. He was very poorly behaved, and this drove me batty. He would jump on people that entered the house. I hated this. The girth that was behind his claws could cause bruising. He would bark and cry if he didn't get his way. He would poop and pee in the house to get attention. He would fart all the time.

Breaking Point:
I could handle all the other things. I didn't like it, but I could handle it. What I was absolutely unable to deal with was his increasingly aggressive behavior. He started out by lashing out at me when he would poop in the house. He knew it was wrong, knew he was going to get in trouble and would growl and try to bite me. This went on and on and eventually he started to become aggressive with my husband as well. When his aggression turned toward Abram, I knew it was time to go. I couldn't allow it to continue. Any animal that lives under my roof must understand one thing above all else-lashing out at a human (especially especially especially a child) is 100% NOT OK! His last day with me was the day I went into labor. By the time I got out of the hospital, Gus-Gus was gone. It was sad, yes, but I couldn't allow it to go on any longer.

Fortunately, he didn't go far. He now lives with my in-laws so we still see him. I cannot say the same of our Kitty.

Bonnie Jezebelle GrettaGarbage a.k.a. Kitty-Boo. Kitty-Boo's life with us was a short one. We got her when I was about six months pregnant and she left us when we got home from the hospital. Ours was also a love/hate relationship.

Love:
Beautiful Kitty-Boo was grey and fluffy and had the prettiest little princess face. She was very sweet and cuddly with my husband and me. She loved to climb up on my shoulder and perch there like a little parrot. She adored my husband, he was her favorite person in the world.

Hate:
She was psychotic.

This cat would straight-up freak out when someone came near her. When anyone came to my house, I would have to get her and lock her in a room so she wouldn't attack them. I am not joking here. One day, my step-brother came over and picked her up when he walked in. She freaked out, hissed and scratched him. He thew her on the floor and told me she was crazy. I plucked her up and lovingly stroked her and told him that he just scared her. Here comes the breaking point.

Breaking Point:
Cat goes ape-shit.

She started freaking out, hissing, scratching, biting. I was desperately trying to grab her scruff to hold her away from me so she couldn't hurt me. What ensued looked something like a cartoon when there is a cat fight and all you can see is a swirl of dust, tails and kitty claws. By the time I walked her back to the room to lock her away, she had massacred my hands. I was dripping blood from my fingers and wrist (and I was preggers at the time making those scratches potentially dangerous to my baby) I couldn't keep a hold on her any more and she half-lept/was half-thrown onto the floor at my husband's feet. He looked at her then looked at me, dripping blood. He picks her up and tosses her into the bathroom. In this spilt-second he, too, manages to get not only scratched and bit but peed and pooped on. Cat went nuts. It was at that point we realized that she was not a normal cat, and definitely was not going to fit in well with our kid and newborn on the way home.

We didn't honestly know what to do with her. Blake took her to the Humane Society. He told them that he found her. He didn't have the heart to ask them to put her down, but knew if he told them what she was like, that he would be sealing her fate. We like to imagine that she was somehow rehabilitated. That the loss of her family made her realize what is really important and life and want to change for the better. We like to picture her happy somewhere, no longer psychotic.

Here are some photos of my furry babies. I do miss them sometimes. I wish I didn't have to end, but I felt it was the right choice for my house guests, and most importantly, my children.





 

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